A new and slightly less imperfect way to be

Every day I think about my parents and the debacle around my marriage. (See 'Not that simple' for a brief explanation.)

I should have been more confident. I should have been more loving. I shouldn’t have cared so much. I should have cut myself off from them. I shouldn’t have cut myself off from them. I should have tried harder to be reconciled. I should have replied to the criticism in their letters. I shouldn’t have read them at all. I should have got married first and then told them. (I never of course considered not marrying Frog. That would have been suicide.)

My relationship with my parents poisoned all my relationships – with myself, with the rest of my family, with friends, with Frog. It's probably a large part of the reason we never wanted children. I’ve written a memoir about the events, and a novel. I’ve had several years of counselling and hypnotherapy. I feel as if I’ve been dragging a heavy load for most of my life.

Now my parents are dead, and I’ve still not solved the problem. There’s only one answer left: I have to let it all go.

Jung, I believe, said that he never actually cured his patients. He simply helped them to leave behind their difficulties and move on. There was no perfect way to deal with the situation. I did my best at the time. All I can hope now is to find a new and slightly less imperfect way to be.

Frog and I married 39 years ago on a beautiful early September day. As Frog ever the optimist said, because my parents didn't want to be involved we were able to do it in our own way – in the Devon village where he’d been living, with a couple of friends and a handful of family members. My lovely brother J gave me away and Richard, the landlord of Frog’s local pub, was best man. We went to Richard's pub afterwards for a meal.

During the six months between April and September when my parents tried to stop me marrying, I feared that they would kidnap me and try to ‘reverse brainwash’ me as parents were doing to their children caught up in so-called cults. Now we were married, and I was safe. Finally, I had the law and the establishment on my side.

I could, and can, start again.

An anniversary walk by the sea on Saturday. (The strange shape in the hedge on the left is Frog with a bag on his back, investigating a cattle trough.)

Just married: walking away from the church together*

 * Sorry about the strange colour of this photograph - it is very old