From time to time over the last few decades I’ve attended
many writing workshops, usually ones run by the wonderful Roselle Angwin. The most
recent (in 2009, I discover to my astonishment) was a weekend entitled
‘Stranger than Fiction’ and involved writing our life stories. I disgraced
myself in my eyes by sobbing for almost the whole two days but nobody seemed to
mind and, as I kept saying, it was such a relief to be in a place where you could be unhappy. Not that I was
unhappy, but I’d tapped into a place within myself that didn’t normally find
expression.
Over the last few months I’ve found myself in some
dark places. This is I suppose partly because of everything that’s been
happening, starting with my mother’s death in February. It’s also because of
the blog in which I’ve opened up several subjects I normally keep under wraps.
And now, with the turning of the year, the world itself is darkening.
 |
| December sunset |
I suspect that my migraines are the dark places struggling
to get out, and for the last two weeks, in advance of the visit of my brother
and sister-in-law J and K, I’ve been suffering on and off with the condition.
This is not because of J and K, because nobody could be kinder, but because they
represent Family and for me the negative connotations of Family outweigh the
positive.
Yesterday evening, 36 hours after J and K left, I thought I was better and I celebrated
with a glass of wine. Big Mistake. I woke in the night feeling dreadful again.
My emotions were in turmoil. Obviously the blog, which was supposed to be a
healing exercise, wasn’t working. What’s more, I’d upset another member of the
family with some of the things I’d been saying.
‘I’m going to stop
blogging,’ I said to Frog, ‘and delete everything I’ve written.’
‘No,’ he mumbled
with admirable perspicacity given that he was at least three-quarters asleep.
Immediately I felt
better.
This blog – at present – is revealing a side of me that I’ve
kept hidden for my family’s sake for much of my life. It’s bound to cause
trouble. But to be whole and healthy I need to come clean about that side, and this blog is the only place I have at the moment where I can. I just have to keep going.
 |
| January sunrise |
Yes please keep going dear B....your blog is life saving.... use it to heal yourself..... it is a safe place....people, especially family are already upset ...not your fault.....your first port of call is YOU. You are doing a brave and healing thing bringing the light to dark places ...for all of us. Thank you. Be gentle on yourself. X
ReplyDeletePS I've done many of Roselle's workshops - love her. x
PS love your photos ....especially of your island. x
ReplyDeleteTrish - you've no idea how important it is to have you say those things. Thank you. Great to have you back. Bxx
ReplyDeleteThey are true ....thank you so much for sharing your journey with us....it can only be good....we don't know the bigger picture...you have helped me already. Small gentle steps.... X
ReplyDelete