In the previous post I described how I dreamt of becoming a fully functioning human being. On Friday night, for reasons I might go into later, I got back in touch with the missing part of me, and understood which part of me that is.
It’s me from my early teens until my early twenties, the worst part of my life and the time which led up to the ‘black hole’ described earlier. Most of the time I keep that part hidden from both myself and other people because it’s still so raw. It’s bloody painful to let it out, but at the same time it’s bloody wonderful. It makes me feel real.For the whole of Saturday, even though the weather was as dreary as it can be – cold, windy, heavy with grey clouds, muddy – I was happy. The part I had uncovered on Friday evening was still with me. I was firing on all cylinders. I was a complete person.
|A happy walk on a dreary day: along the canal with Frog and Dog yesterday.|
Today, even though the sky is blue and the sun is out, I’m miserable. I’ve lost touch with my missing part. I’ve closed off again. I’m back to the dark dreary depressed me.
So the question I’m asking myself is, how do I keep that part with me? How do I keep it alive?