That shiny happy person

As the website My Horrid Parent says, criticising parents is still taboo, and it is especially difficult to do when the abuse is psychological rather than physical. More often than not you can prove the results of physical abuse, whereas psychological abuse is invisible. It’s hard to quantify and hard to explain. After all, if parents clothe and feed you, make sure you have a good education and give you material things, what is there to complain about?

I have touched on the subject in previous posts, not I hope in a spirit of blame but because I need to untangle the situation. As a child you blame yourself and carry on loving your parents. As you get older you make excuses for them. They did their best. They didn't know what they were doing. They had good qualities as well as bad ones. You understand that the abuse was the result of their own pain.  You try and look at the situation from a karmic point of view and be thankful for the chance to learn and grow. None of that however gets to the root of the problem. It misses the point. First and foremost you have to name the actions for what they were.

And a funny thing happens when you do. Your perspective changes. You flip. You stop being a victim. Suddenly you feel free. Suddenly you are that shiny happy person you always knew was inside you but only appeared when you got right away, preferably to Australia the other side of the world.

I’ve been reminded recently of the pictures of the Dutch artist M C Escher. Is the world black or white, convex or concave, going up or going down? That shiny happy person comes and goes. One moment I see her, I am her. The next I’m not.

Those few of us who do dare to criticise parents feel a kinship. We have struggled through the snow and reached the safety of the pub. It’s cold outside but we have each other.

And I hope that soon the shiny happy person will be here to stay.

And here finally are some Christmas rules that Frog has picked up from Facebook (from a liberal American he follows).

1. Do not go into debt trying to show people how much you love them
2. Do not go home to see your family if it damages your mental health
3. If someone criticises your weight, eat them.

Artists and farmers

House-building is like road-building. Demand is never satisfied and at some point one just has to call it a day. Sadly, that day has not yet arrived in Devon.

    A few miles away from us in the middle of the countryside a whole new town has recently appeared. Where the inhabitants come from, what their skills are and where they work I don't know. A farming couple however, displaced from their farm by the development, has recently set up shop on land two fields away from us.

    They started with one barn, then built another, then installed a caravan so that someone could look after the animals in the barns, and now have a house. Before the house was built, I protested strongly about it to the planning department. My protests didn’t have any effect of course and luckily Sue and Jon are charming and have not held them against me.

    This morning, as Ellie and I struggled up the lane through the mud and the puddles, Jon came hurtling down the hill in a vast tractor with lethal prongs sticking out of the front and a vast muddy trailer behind. He slewed to a halt in true Devon fashion next to Ellie and me so that we could have a chat.

    Jon is a sensitive man, deeply upset by his exile and committed to both his animals and the organic way of farming. As he talked I realised that artists (of all kinds, including me) and farmers have a lot in common.

We both spend most of the time on our own

We both wear terrible clothes (Why make an effort if no one is going to appreciate it? Why not just be comfortable?)

We both work for love, not money

We’re both independent to the point of pain

We both feel misunderstood by the world at large.

When Frog and I first moved to rural Devon in the 1970s, the population consisted largely of artists and farmers, with a smattering of complementary therapists and not much else. It was good to be reminded of that time.

As I have no photos of my own of 1970s' Devon, here are three by the wonderful James Ravilious. (Follow the link for more and better quality.)

Mud-wrap and wintry watermeadows

Recently I’ve been very confused, so two days ago I asked the universe for guidance, a small hint about the way forward, some encouragement about my writing perhaps. That night I had a dream.

    I was being given a detoxifying mud-wrap but, hardly had the process started, than the therapist disappeared leaving me in public half undressed with clumps of mud stuck to me.

    What could be clearer?

    I’ve started to open up about sensitive subjects and then, at the first sign of trouble (family disapproval), clammed up again. I’ve started a healing process and then abandoned it.

    But it’s too late to back out. I’ve already got mud on me. The public has already seen me without all my clothes on.

    So my New Year’s Resolution is to Carry On.

And, talking of the New Year, brings me to the festive season and my best wishes to you for Christmas and your own New Year. Thank you for reading this blog. Double thank you if you’ve commented and, even if you don’t comment, I feel your presence.

Here is a photograph I took of some nearby watermeadows one January. It’s what I’m using for my Christmas card this year.

With the turning of the year

From time to time over the last few decades I’ve attended many writing workshops, usually ones run by the wonderful Roselle Angwin. The most recent (in 2009, I discover to my astonishment) was a weekend entitled ‘Stranger than Fiction’ and involved writing our life stories. I disgraced myself in my eyes by sobbing for almost the whole two days but nobody seemed to mind and, as I kept saying, it was such a relief to be in a place where you could be unhappy. Not that I was unhappy, but I’d tapped into a place within myself that didn’t normally find expression.

Over the last few months I’ve found myself in some dark places. This is I suppose partly because of everything that’s been happening, starting with my mother’s death in February. It’s also because of the blog in which I’ve opened up several subjects I normally keep under wraps. And now, with the turning of the year, the world itself is darkening.

December sunset

I suspect that my migraines are the dark places struggling to get out, and for the last two weeks, in advance of the visit of my brother and sister-in-law J and K, I’ve been suffering on and off with the condition. This is not because of J and K, because nobody could be kinder, but because they represent Family and for me the negative connotations of Family outweigh the positive.

Yesterday evening, 36 hours after J and K left, I thought I was better and I celebrated with a glass of wine. Big Mistake. I woke in the night feeling dreadful again. My emotions were in turmoil. Obviously the blog, which was supposed to be a healing exercise, wasn’t working. What’s more, I’d upset another member of the family with some of the things I’d been saying.

    ‘I’m going to stop blogging,’ I said to Frog, ‘and delete everything I’ve written.’

    ‘No,’ he mumbled with admirable perspicacity given that he was at least three-quarters asleep.

    Immediately I felt better.

This blog – at present – is revealing a side of me that I’ve kept hidden for my family’s sake for much of my life. It’s bound to cause trouble. But to be whole and healthy I need to come clean about that side, and this blog is the only place I have at the moment where I can. I just have to keep going. 

January sunrise

Back to fiction?

Creativity takes energy, and since mid-October I’ve had none to spare. Hence the dearth of blog posts.

Now however, with the dog mended, my computer working again (fingers crossed), and a pause in the sorting of stuff and in building work because my lovely brother J and sister-in-law K are coming to stay, life is easing up and I can feel the creative urge returning.

I don’t yet* have anything important to say, however, so here instead are some pictures of, or rather from, ‘my’ semi-island where the dog and I spent another dreamy hour or so at the weekend.

I’ve been transfixed recently by the beauty of the elements – a white sky, a grey river. Sometimes I wish I could paint or make music as those media surely would express that feeling so much better than words, or even photographs.

Maybe I should get back to writing fiction. Maybe that would say what I want to say.


* Whoops. That 'yet' just slipped out but as I read it back it sounds rather conceited. I shall leave it in, notwithstanding.