Thursday, 2 October 2014

Changing mindset



I wake in the night feeling gruesome – again. At the moment I spend more time feeling ill than I do feeling well. I’m presuming that it’s because I have a couple of stressful events on the horizon, but I’m loath to cancel them because my life is already reduced to a minimum. I need to find a way either to cope with stress, or to take life more calmly.

Poor Frog wakes and I tell him my troubles.
    ‘Life’s not an exam,’ he says.
    I start to cry. ‘What is it then?’
    ‘A walk in the countryside.’

If only. If only it were. If only I could change my mindset.

Monday, 8 September 2014

Why?

Sunset, this time last year

I wake in the night with a poem in my head - and a migraine.

This morning I still have the migraine - but the poem is gone.

Why can't it be the other way round?


Thursday, 4 September 2014

She literally exploded




I’m supposed to be cleaning out my Mini which I’m selling after 22 years – it’s no longer worth patching it up and I don’t feel safe driving it on motorways. As a little light relief however (for me and, I hope, you) I thought I might do a post on infuriating words and phrases.

Having been an editor and proofreader for some twenty years, I’ve always had an annoying (to others) habit of editing and proofreading everything I see and hear – graffiti, packaging, radio and television, magazines, books – you name it. This involves not just grammar and spelling but also phraseology, clichĂ©s and the correct use of words.

One of the less comfortable aspects of living in close proximity to someone else is the way they take on your behaviour traits, bad as well as good, and unfortunately Frog is now just as prone to the above annoying habit as me – if not worse (but he wouldn’t agree there). Particularly since I gave him for Christmas a few years ago She Literally Exploded: The Daily Telegraph Infuriating Phrasebook which he has read from cover to cover many times.



As an example, here is the book’s entry for ‘literally’:

Distinguishes the literal from the figurative meanings of a phrase, but is now used at random as an intensifier or a synonym for ‘really’, by those with tin ears.

Charming, no?

Here are some of the words and phrases currently infuriating Frog and me (and which neither of us dares point out to the other for fear of a diatribe).

Iconic Used for everything, with no thought to its original meaning

Issue A mealy-mouthed way of saying ‘problem’

Source (as a verb) Buy? Find?

Locally sourced Do you mean ‘bought in the corner shop’ or do you mean ‘locally produced’ or even simply ‘local’?

Gift (as a verb) What on earth is wrong with good old-fashioned ‘give’?

Chanteuse Singer?

Brutally murdered Isn’t all murder brutal? Might it be better to be specific eg ‘shot’, ‘strangled’?

Changed forever Change is change. If you’re looking for emphasis, use a stronger word eg ‘transformed’, ‘revolutionised’.

Sorry about all that. It's very naughty of me and I know my own writing is far from perfect and we're probably just a couple of old fogeys, but I do feel better having got it off my chest. Feel free to add some of your own bĂȘtes noires.

Sunday, 31 August 2014

Come for a walk



Another of my safety valves is walking and I thought that today I might take you, my virtual friend, with the dog and me as we follow our default route.

We leave the garden through a wonky gate in a dark patch that used to be part of a track and which leads straight into a field. We are lucky to have such easy access to the countryside and that all (but one) of the neighbouring farmers are happy for us to walk on their land.



The field is currently an organic vineyard and smallholding and these are the solar panels that provide power for pumping water from a well to the automatic watering system in polytunnels beyond the vines. I am happy that this part of the countryside at least is in good hands.



At the top of the field we take a track that goes up the hill, the dog ahead as usual. I love this track because it is shady and because I hardly ever meet anyone else on it.



I stop at a gateway to catch my breath and look at the view. I remember how my London sister when she last came to stay enthused about the 'space'. I realise that the space here is both mental and physical. I couldn’t do without it.



The track gets steeper but it is still shady – and the dog is still ahead, stopping every so often to check I’m following her. ‘What’s keeping you?’ her face says as I pant along behind. I’m glad that the climb is at the beginning of the walk instead of the end. It works up a sweat and gets the blood moving and, however tired I am when I start the climb, I always feel better at the end of it.



And when I see the view from the top I know that I have deserved it. I want to throw up my arms and sing like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music.




We descend, crossing a stream churned up by cows, calves and a bull who were in this area a few days ago. I can’t see them today but keep a wary eye open, ready to vault a barbed-wire fence if necessary.



The stream plunges into a steep valley, obliterated by dense woodland. It’s too overgrown to enter at the moment but I do venture in on special occasions during the rest of the year. It’s a non-human magical place and sometimes it makes me frightened. I always try to contact its spirits beforehand to ask permission to enter.



We rest in the shade of an oak tree. I always find myself doing this. Oak trees are benevolent whereas beeches are self-absorbed and ashes skittish. The dog copies me, as usual, and sits down too. She is still alert however. We both listen to the screeches of a buzzard hunting around us. Like geese and swallows, it reminds me of that wild world most of us humans left many thousands of years ago but to which we will I hope one day return. I try (and fail) to get a photograph of the buzzard.



I enjoy the rich colours – the dark green of the trees (‘tired’ I described the colour yesterday when the sun wasn’t out and I was recovering from a migraine), the red haws tumbling from the hedges, the terracotta earth of the recently harvested field on the skyline.



I write some daily pages and find several ideas rising to the surface. I wonder if DPs and blogging are play, practice for the real thing, and whether that real thing is novel-writing. Or perhaps novel-writing can be play too.

The dog gets bored. She stands up and starts barking at voices on the track, and then barking at the echo of her own bark. Time to move on.


Back in the vineyard field, we pass the 'art installation' (abandoned farm machinery and chicory) where the dog chased a rat a few weeks ago. (She didn't catch it.)



In the distance are the polytunnels where J grows organic edible leaves and flowers for expensive restaurants.



Here, at the bottom of the field, are some of the grapes, ripening well. I think they are Chardonnay.



And here is the gate back to the garden. For once the dog has vanished (lots of small mammals to chase in organic fields) but usually she is at the gate before me, keen for food - as am I always at the end of our walks.


I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did.

Thursday, 28 August 2014

Safety valves



On Monday evening I was watching Channel 4’s ‘Food Unwrapped’. The subject was detoxification and among the features was one on hangovers, where several studenty subjects were encouraged to party and then tested the next day to see what was going on with their bodies. The headaches, nausea and exhaustion, the expert explained, were all signs that their bodies were working efficiently – breaking down the toxins and expelling them.

If you’re a long-term reader of this blog you’ll know that I suffer from regular migraines. I tend to beat myself up about them. They’re my fault, I say to myself. I don’t know how to live properly. I’m still hung up on past events. I kick against them and see them as a waste of time.

But yesterday when I woke up with a migraine and said to Frog, ‘I feel as if I’ve been partying for the last two weeks’, I found that my attitude had changed.

I’m more Aunt Polly than Pollyanna. I race around ‘doing’ things. I fret. I don’t give myself time to rest. When I have a migraine however I have to stop. I can’t read or watch television or write or garden or walk. I can hardly talk. I have to do nothing.

Migraines are a safety valve, I realised. They rid my body of all the nasty hormones I’ve been creating and bring me back to the present, to simply living. If I didn’t get them I might be storing up far more serious health problems.

I’d quite like to blog about this, I thought as I brushed my teeth this morning. But it’s not quite enough. (As my writing sister Emma says, you need at least two ideas to make a story.) What else can I write about? Blogging came the answer.

I’ve always been ambivalent about the value of blogging. Is it self-indulgent? Does it distract me from the serious business of novel-writing?
    ‘Why do I do it?’ I asked Frog the other day.
    ‘Disclosure,’ he said.
    That’s what I write novels for, I thought.

Recently I’ve been working hard on the novel, doing what I hope is a final draft and giving myself until Christmas for it. I’ve almost completely stopped blogging, thinking that I can’t have both blog posts and the novel fermenting in my head at the same time. In the last week or so however I’ve found myself wanting to blog again.

And I think it’s OK to do so. Blogging is light relief. It’s novel-writing in miniature. It keeps me going. It’s another safety valve.

And that was a very long-winded post. Blame the dregs of the migraine.